Relationship Tug-of-War

My husband and I have been married almost twenty years.  In that time, we have had plenty of disagreements.  Many of these disagreements were directly related to our in-law relationships.  Both sets of in-laws were demanding or critical in different ways.  Both expected my husband or I to conform to set family norms.  Neither of us felt appreciated by the other family.  And many times, the demands of the extended family left my husband and I feeling caught in the middle of a nasty game of relationship tug-of-war. 

Over the last five years, we have been able to set healthy boundaries and to distance ourselves when needed.  As a couple, our relationship conflict was reduced significantly by how effective we have been at making and standing by these boundaries.

As my husband and I encourage our own children to date, we have stayed up late talking about what kind of in-laws we want to be.  Our greatest fear has been that, like us, our children will not want to spend time with their parents when they are grown.  However, we have discovered that there is much we can do as in-laws to encourage, build and enjoy powerful positive relationships with our children and their future spouses. 

Some of these same ideas which have taken us twenty years to figure out ourselves were presented in the reading from Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Here are some of the highlights…

New couples can focus on establishing a new marital identity.  In-law parents can encourage this by withholding judgement and practicing acceptance and charity to the new in-law.

Sensitive parents-in-law recognize how important it is for the new couple to establish their own traditions and have individual time together on special occasions.  Refraining from pressuring the couple to attend all family events while still continuing to invite with grace will be very important.

Wise parents understand that their parental role continues in love, concern, and encouragement, but never in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition.

Parents will do better to listen and not impose their opinions or feelings. Intrusion by in-laws, both physically by too many visits and phone calls, and emotionally by too many strongly held opinions is to be avoided at all costs.

When married children are treated with respect and love in this matter, they are more likely to want to spend more time with parents and extended family. Demands, expectations, manipulations, ultimatums, threats, and emotional blackmailing tend to strain or destroy relationships.

When new roles are being defined for both parents and children, it helps parents to realize that they have to make adjustments that may not always be comfortable. This is normal and the discomfort may disappear with time and effort.

Parents who are secure in their relationships with their children understand that married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present. These children, in turn, have a sense of their parents' own security so they don't have to always be near them to take care of them emotionally. Parents who are secure in their relationships with their children understand that married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present. These children, in turn, have a sense of their parents' own security so they don't have to always be near them to take care of them emotionally.

Can a Simple Couple Council Really Help You Avoid Costly Couple Counseling?

Formal counseling presents a wonderful opportunity to learn and to go.  It can open be a conduit to growth and a building block to healthy relationship behavior.  When only a small bit of tweaking is needed to strengthen an otherwise good relationship, the $150 price tag a session might be more costly than it is worth. 

So how could scheduling 30 short minutes a week override the benefits found in therapy?

A couple council gives each spouse the opportunity to communicate concerns at a time and place which ensures the uninterrupted attention of the other.  When I know that I will be able to discuss something important with my husband at our weekly council meeting, I am not tempted to interrupt the important ball game he is watching to fix a problem weighing on my mind in that moment. 

The idea of holding councils is not new, but quite honestly, I have resisted it. 

I hate meetings!  I find that often there are far too many of them scheduled and far too little gets accomplished as a result. 

However, after reading this week’s material, I have begun to see the value of including an informal but regular meeting into my marriage.  I have begun to understand that this will allow couples an appropriate time to have discussions about topics they might typically avoid.  It will give a couple on opportunity to discuss, define and refine goals and to make plans for the future.  It will give each spouse a regular chance to share concerns about their relationship which have cropped up in the week in a neutral environment.  It will also help establish a pattern of checking in and give the couple a regular opportunity to evaluate the health and well-being of their relationship.

When holding a couple council, here are some thoughts to consider:

The personal righteousness or good intentions of each partner will help the meeting be a success.

Be sensitive to one another's thoughts.

Never interrupt one another.  Let each person have time to share their complete thoughts.

Avoid pushing your own ideas.
Beware of any personal agendas.  Try to honestly determine from the discussion what would be best.

Remember the goal is total harmony and full agreement.

Commit yourself to the idea that whatever is said, will be heard, acknowledged and pondered by you.

While I would never discourage someone from seeking professional help when it is needed, I would encourage and invite couples to empower themselves by committing to participating in a couple council on a regular basis as a healthy relationship practice.

Weekly meetings foster direct, positive communication that addresses concerns at a time when both of you are likely to be receptive. You get to feel appreciated and valued, gain a smoother-running household by coordinating chores, and add romance by planning dates. Issues are resolved and challenges are met before they escalate into crises and grudges. Romance can continue throughout your marriage, but this usually will not happen automatically. - Marcia Naomi Berger

Charity is the Best Foreplay

While standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, I am bombarded by attention grabbing headlines and over sexualized images splashed across the covers of magazines.  These magazines often promise a quick fix to every relationship issue known to mankind but are especially concentrated on the topic of sex.  Magazines like Cosmopolitan, which is known for headlines like “139 Hot New Sex Tips You Must Learn” and “Tease Him And Please Him,” to in magazine quizzes which supposedly help you identify the type of sexual partner you need, may make us think that there is some secret to having a great sexual relationship.

In truth, the best advice for improving or strengthening sexual relations between husband and wife is hardly attention-grabbing headline material.

“Sexual fulfillment flourishes in an atmosphere of warmth and positive expressions toward each other, while such fulfillment suffers when spouses are cool or emotionally disconnected from each other due to anger or apathy.” Brotherson, S.E. (2003).

And while this charity-driven approach to sexual fulfillment will never be splashed across the top of Cosmo or any other magazine in the grocery aisle, charity is the very essence of what is needed to build a beautifully meaningful, trust-based intimate relationship.

For simply put, when we feel appreciated, loved, and respected, we are much more ready to be emotionally and physically vulnerable. 

Nothing signals love and safety quite as quickly in a relationship as a kind word and a listening ear.

The writers of magazines are busy offering us every crude and lurid headline to peak our curiosity about sex, not out of a general desire to help us, but to sell their product.  Instead of searching for answers within their pages, we should consider that God has already given us exactly what we need to learn about true love and enhance our sexual relationships.

“Marriage is the school of love, and it is certain that a committed, caring marriage relationship is absolutely the best environment to learn the intricacies of sexual expression and intimacy.”

A committed relationship between a man and a woman where love and mutual respect flourish through acts of charity is simply the best way to enrich and strengthen sexual intimacy.  Forget the spicy headlines and the quick fix tips to improve sexual fulfillment and simply start treating your spouse better. 

While the magazines may focus on the intricacies of foreplay and sexual prowess, the most effective path to good sex begins with the charitable way we treat each other. 

Still don’t believe me?  Here’s a quiz that will never make the front pages of a magazine but just might convince you of the connection between kindness and a healthy sexual relationship. 

Barometer for Emotional Distance Test

1.            For fifteen minutes, count the the number of “positive” expressions toward each other (compliments, kind words, affection, etc.) versus the number of negative expressions toward each other (sarcasm, criticism, put-downs, anger, etc.).

2.            The higher the ratio of positive to negative expressions, the more “warm” your emotional atmosphere is. You are warm toward each other and these positive expressions are more likely to create a climate of mutual interest and attraction. The higher the ratio of negative to positive expressions, the more “cold” your emotional atmosphere is. You are cool toward each other and these negative expressions are more likely to create a climate of disinterest or emotional distance from each other.

An angry word will pour cold water on a spouse's romantic “on” switch more quickly than you can imagine, while a meaningful apology can pave the way to a gentle invitation toward intimacy. In several ways, ill will can undermine or sabotage the fulfillment of sexual love in marriage.

Charity is the Secret to Marital Success…

One definition of Charity is that it is the Pure Love of Christ.  

In the Book of Mormon, the prophet Mormon expounds on this virtue when he teaches,

“Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (Moroni 7:45). 

Another wonderful place to learn more about this definition is in the New Testament.  (See 1Corinthians 13:4-7).

Every person wants this kind of pure love to exist within their marriage.

 It is a love that sees the best of each other, it focuses on the good, and encourages others to do good with cheer and confidence. 

While we easily recognize the need we have as individuals to receive this type of love, we often find it can be very difficult to bestow this type of love on others.

The first thing we must do is acknowledge how difficult this can be and then ask God for help. 

According to H. Wallace Goddard PhD., “What work[s] is to recognize our weakness and beseech God for that divine gift of charity.  Rather than tamper with our partner’s soul, we can throw ourselves on the merits, mercy and grace of Him who is mighty to save.”

“We are invited to cover (our partner’s) weaknesses with our charity.  The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners’ characters; it is in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them.”

President Joseph F. Smith offers the following counsel:

“We all have our weaknesses and failings. Sometimes the husband sees a failing in his wife, and he upbraids her with it. Sometimes the wife feels that her husband has not done just the right thing, and she upbraids him. What good does it do? Is not forgiveness better? Is not charity better? Is not love better? Isn’t it better not to speak of faults, not to magnify weaknesses by iterating and reiterating them? Isn’t that better? And will not the union that has been cemented between you and the birth of children and by the bond of the new and everlasting covenant, be more secure when you forget to mention weaknesses and faults one of another? Is it not better to drop them and say nothing about them—bury them and speak only of the good that you know and feel, one for another, and thus bury each other’s faults and not magnify them; isn’t that better?”

So how do we move forward and practice this type of charity each day?

I believe a simple way to do this is In Dr. John M.Gottman’s formula for marital success.  

He says that we must spend at least six hours a week on intentional BUILDING MOMENTS in our marriages.  

He breaks it down like this:

The Magic Six Hours

Partings- 2 minutes a working day or 10 minutes a week

Make sure you know at least one thing that is happening in your spouse’s life that day.

Reunions- 20 minutes a day or 1 hour 40 minutes each week

This includes a hug or kiss which lasts at least six seconds… something which makes it worth coming home to.

Admiration and Appreciation- 5 minutes a day or 35 minutes each week

Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection.  Say “I love you.”

Affection- 5 minutes a day or 35 minutes each week

Let go of minor irritations that have built up in the day and always lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.

Weekly Date- 2 hours each week

Just –the-two-of-you-time to ask open-ended questions which encourage you to turn toward one another.

State of the Union Meeting- 1 hour each week

A time to evaluate, but not harp on your relationship.  Try to answer the question, “What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?”

If we can follow this simple six hour plan each week, we can cultivate charity at the same time we strengthen our marriage.

3 Keys to Managing Conflict

John M. Gottman, Ph.D., a world renowned, professor of psychology and the founder and director of the Gottman Institute of Marriage, tells us that some of the best keys to managing conflict are:

No one is right, acceptance is crucial, and the importance of focusing on fondness and admiration.

No one is right.  There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones.  This is true whether the disagreement is solvable or perpetual.

While it can be hard to remember this in the middle of a conflict, it is a fact that no two people will experience or view the same situation in the same way.  

I have found that when my husband and I are finally able to calmly discuss the problem at hand that we both have great points to add to the discussion and neither one of us is as polarized as we both had assumed. 

Reminding myself of this is an important precursor to the next key of acceptance.

Acceptance is Crucial.  It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are.

I believe that most of the time ACCEPTANCE is what we are fighting for in the first place. 

Most people just want to be heard.  They want validation and they want their opinions to matter.  Feeling like my husband values what I have to say and the perspective I bring to our marriage and problems seems to help anger to dissipate. 

Focus on fondness and admiration. 

Through the course of their marriage, spouses learned to view their partner’s shortcomings and oddities as amusing parts of the whole package.  

Somehow couples such as these have learned to mellow about their partner’s faults.

It seems counterproductive that focusing on our love for one another can be key to managing conflict, but it is absolutely necessary for avoiding conflict. 

Acknowledging the weaknesses of our spouse and choosing to love them in spite of these challenges is a beautiful gift. 

I believe it is the definition of true compassion in marriage. 

When we focus on fondness and admiration, we are not so easily distracted by the irritations which will assuredly come up when two imperfect people try to build a marriage together. 

As Benjamin Franklin is famous for saying, “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards."

Irritation can be an Invitation

“Appreciating is more powerful than correcting.  Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel.  Criticism is a slow leak in those tires.” 
H. Wallace Goddard, PhD

We have all been frustrated, stressed out, overworked, and running on an empty emotional gas tank.  I find that in moments like this my level of irritation with others around me skyrockets. 

I cringe when I think of the countless times I have allowed my negative emotions to override the long standing love and care I have for my family in order to blow off the short-lived steam of annoyance and exasperation.

And while it’s uncomfortable to acknowledge that at 40, I am still working hard to get a handle on this strong tendency to be irritated by those I love so dearly.  Maybe it’s because of this ongoing battle, I can recognize the truth of the following statement by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, in his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.

“Any time we feel irritated with our spouses (or anyone else for that matter), that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an INVITATION to call ourselves to REPENT.  We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility.” (70, Goddard)

I think this hit me so hard because over the years I have come to realize that the intense frustration I feel at times is a ME problem and not an OTHERS problem.  The only person who controls my feeling and reactions are me.  When I view these moments of vexation as an opportunity for personal growth and change, I am much more likely to choose the higher law of Humility.

So What Can We Do?

Dr. Goddard suggests the following:

We CAN learn to accept humanness and flaws in our partners. 

We CAN laugh at the foibles that bedevil all of us. 

We CAN pray for mercy for ourselves and our partners. 

Because each of us desperately needs mercy, we CAN OFFER mercy to each other.

This is what I want.  I want to offer MERCY to those that I love.  I want to ACCEPT the humanness of those around me because that is what LOVE is.  In order to do this, I need to surrender the pride and expectations I have and embrace Humility in a much more personal way.

Seeking Purposeful Direction in Family Life

I have always lived more like a survivor on a life boat than a captain steering my ship.  

From the time I was small, I learned to make the best of the situations I found myself in.  While this can be seen as a good characteristic, living with purpose and intent has always been a challenge for me in my adult life.  

I know there is balance in both of these ways of living, but I have found, especially lately, that a lot of the “living” I am doing is simply reactionary to my life instead of the more intentional approach I would prefer.

Taking time to stop and evaluate our priorities in our personal lives as well as a within our relationships is critical for identifying positive changes we can make, but this is often something we may forget to do. 

Dr. Gottman, in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, reassures us that we are not alone.  “Many times, we don’t talk about our deepest goals.  Sometimes, we haven’t even asked ourselves these questions.  But when we start, it gives us the opportunity to explore something that can have a profound impact on ourselves and our marriage.”

He challenges us to purposefully work on our marriage and family relationships.  He encourages us to create an environment of friendship, but also a family culture of belonging.  He says that customs are not only linked to ethnic groups and countries but can be part of our families.

“A culture can also be created by just two people who have agreed to share their lives.  In essence, each couple and each family create its own microculture.  And like other cultures, these small units have their customs, rituals, and myths that explain their sense of what their marriage is like and what it means to be part of their group.”

So how do we do this?

Begin today by discussing and setting priorities with your spouse.

What do you want your family life to look like?

Choose some values you would like to emphasize.  

Find ways to both embody and emphasize these values in your everyday family life.

Create an atmosphere of respect. 

Be kind.

Make time to laugh with each other.

The Last Thing on the To-Do List

It’s often difficult after a long day of mothering to have anything left to give to my relationship with my husband.

After an evening of shuttling kids back and forth to activities, planning and making a balanced meal, and staying on top of laundry or the 531 other household tasks that need my attention each night, my energy is usually zapped.  The only thing I want to do is to relax and be still. 

I know that I am not the only one.  My husband has often felt the same way after a long day of working away from home.

Making my marriage a priority is important to me.  Actually, putting it on the very tip-top of my to-do list feels impossible at times. So I knew when I read this quote by Tzvetan Todorov, that he was talking to me.

“To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one’s time and energy for that person.  It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one’s efforts, not poorer.”

In my attempt to effectively manage the rest of our family life, I had lost the joy I feel in sacrificing and loving my husband.  It is a great privilege to love and care for someone else.  It is really something I cherish, but in the drudgery of making everyday life as a mom work, I had thrust this opportunity all the way down to the bottom of the list.  My husband doesn’t ask for much and is very self-sufficient.  He wasn’t complaining at all, but I had lost the opportunity to feel the joy which makes the days richer and more meaningful.

I commit to putting my marriage back at the top of my list.  I have a feeling that if the dishes get done today or the kids making it to every activity this week isn’t going to be nearly as important IN THE LONG RUN as feeling the joy of truly loving their dad and making HIM a priority in my life.

And on the days when I am feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated, I’ll remember the wisdom of these words by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard:

“It takes strength of character to see errors in a partner’s grammar or perceptions and yet resist the temptation to correct needlessly.  It takes godly goodness to see weakness and mistakes in our partners and yet resist the temptation to smirk.  It takes heavenly humility to be proven right and yet to meekly acknowledge that we all make mistakes.”

Remembering this will help me to be gentle with myself and compassionate toward my husband.  And in this way, I can follow the example of Jesus Christ, which is another item which I hope will always be at the top of my TO-DO list.

Tending to Our Marriages

I have a three garden boxes in my backyard.  Every February, my kids and I start the process of getting them ready for a spring planting.  The soil looks dark and rich as we mix new soil with the old.  I love to bring home the seedling plants from the nursery and carefully set them in the holes the kids have dug. There is something special about the beauty of a newly planted garden.  In just a few short months, the seedlings have matured and the tomatoes are growing where the yellow flowers had bloomed. 

My youngest daughter squeals when she discovers a zucchini under the leaves or a cucumber on the vine.  We happily harvest vegetables well into June and though the temperatures are in the 100’s, the mornings are still lovely in the garden. 

By July, however, the air is thick with heat and the pounding sun has driven us indoors for most of the day.  We brave the scorching sun to water the plants, but they still take a terrible beating in the heat and have lost the hardy look of late spring.  Before we know it, we have not watered the garden for a few days and the heat has taken its toll on the mature plants we carefully placed so many months before.  The beauty of the garden is gone and withered and warped.  I hate looking at the transformation of our garden boxes in August.  Every year, I promise myself that I will do a better job of caring for my garden in those steamy hot months and every year, I fail to do a good enough job to keep them thriving.

Spencer W. Kimball said, “Love is like a flower, and, like the body, it needs constant feeding. The mortal body would soon be emaciated and die if there were not frequent feedings. The tender flower would wither and die without food and water. And so love, also, cannot be expected to last forever unless it is continually fed with portions of love, the manifestation of esteem and admiration, the expressions of gratitude, and the consideration of unselfishness” (“Oneness in Marriage,” Ensign, Mar. 1977, 5).

Just as my garden cannot survive without water and care, marriage cannot reach its full potential without an effort to fan the flower of friendship.

Marlin K. Jensen said, “Friendship is … a vital and wonderful part of courtship and marriage. A relationship between a man and a woman that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship.”

One of the best ways to make sure this friendship continues to thrive is by intentional constant care.  

Are your interactions between you and your spouse mostly positive or negative?  

Did you know that for every NEGATIVE INTERACTION between the two of you, you need 5 POSITIVE interactions to counteract the negative affect?

A Good Combination

I love to eat popcorn while I watch a movie.  It’s a great snack!  The only thing that makes it better is when I add M&M’s to the popcorn.  This takes my movie snack to a whole new level.  Who doesn’t love a bite of salty popcorn mixed with the sweet chocolaty taste of a crunchy M&M’s?  The secret to the success of this simple treat is the combination of both the salty and the sweet.  And I just can’t get enough.

We could argue all day about what we prefer.  Salty or Sweet?  But when it comes right down to it, we agree that there is something lovely about this combination.

Embracing our differences

I think the same principle applies to marriage and parenting.  We could debate all day about the contributions of women and men to marriage and parenting.  Both sexes have great strengths and necessary gifts to bless their partners and children.  We could spend a lot of time listing the merits of both and what their individual contributions bring to their relationships, or we could stop trying to figure it out and savor the combination of gifts and talents, preferences and strengths. 

David A. Bednar said, “The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other.”

In a society where we get really hung up on equality of the two sexes, it’s reassuring to affirm that our differences actually benefit us as a unit.  We see this played out every week in football.  A quarterback can’t win a game without the other players on his team.  The collective unit is needed to achieve success.

We know this isn’t just a philosophical sports idea.  

It’s an eternal truth.  

Straight from the Bible we read, “Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord” (1 Cor. 11:11).  

This type of relationship teaches us that in a marriage or as parents, we are “equally yoked.”  This illusion reminds us that in another century the oxen pulled wagons standing side-by-side and not single-file.  Elder Earl C. Tingey, said that this type of marital relationship has existed from the beginning of time and teaches us that relationships established in this way “result in an absolute equal partnership between a husband and a wife. Eve was to be equal to Adam as a husband and wife are to be equal to each other.”

A Reminder that Equality is different than Sameness

Parenting has taught me this more than anything.  Sometimes my children need their dad and his humor and his personality in a way that is very different from what I offer them.  At other times, they reach out to me, the mom, for consolation or comfort.  They share day-to-day details of their lives and look to me to help problem solve and find solutions.  How grateful I am they have a dad who often picks up the slack of my own inadequacies.

This always reminds me to appreciate our differences as a couple.  While sometimes differences can be frustrating and annoying, I have found that most often they provide a depth and real help to me as we go throughout our lives.  In a beautiful way, I think we also take turns being the salty and the sweet in our relationship.  I definitely need to stop more often and savor our differences just as I do when I eat popcorn and M&M’s.