Charity is the Best Foreplay

While standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, I am bombarded by attention grabbing headlines and over sexualized images splashed across the covers of magazines.  These magazines often promise a quick fix to every relationship issue known to mankind but are especially concentrated on the topic of sex.  Magazines like Cosmopolitan, which is known for headlines like “139 Hot New Sex Tips You Must Learn” and “Tease Him And Please Him,” to in magazine quizzes which supposedly help you identify the type of sexual partner you need, may make us think that there is some secret to having a great sexual relationship.

In truth, the best advice for improving or strengthening sexual relations between husband and wife is hardly attention-grabbing headline material.

“Sexual fulfillment flourishes in an atmosphere of warmth and positive expressions toward each other, while such fulfillment suffers when spouses are cool or emotionally disconnected from each other due to anger or apathy.” Brotherson, S.E. (2003).

And while this charity-driven approach to sexual fulfillment will never be splashed across the top of Cosmo or any other magazine in the grocery aisle, charity is the very essence of what is needed to build a beautifully meaningful, trust-based intimate relationship.

For simply put, when we feel appreciated, loved, and respected, we are much more ready to be emotionally and physically vulnerable. 

Nothing signals love and safety quite as quickly in a relationship as a kind word and a listening ear.

The writers of magazines are busy offering us every crude and lurid headline to peak our curiosity about sex, not out of a general desire to help us, but to sell their product.  Instead of searching for answers within their pages, we should consider that God has already given us exactly what we need to learn about true love and enhance our sexual relationships.

“Marriage is the school of love, and it is certain that a committed, caring marriage relationship is absolutely the best environment to learn the intricacies of sexual expression and intimacy.”

A committed relationship between a man and a woman where love and mutual respect flourish through acts of charity is simply the best way to enrich and strengthen sexual intimacy.  Forget the spicy headlines and the quick fix tips to improve sexual fulfillment and simply start treating your spouse better. 

While the magazines may focus on the intricacies of foreplay and sexual prowess, the most effective path to good sex begins with the charitable way we treat each other. 

Still don’t believe me?  Here’s a quiz that will never make the front pages of a magazine but just might convince you of the connection between kindness and a healthy sexual relationship. 

Barometer for Emotional Distance Test

1.            For fifteen minutes, count the the number of “positive” expressions toward each other (compliments, kind words, affection, etc.) versus the number of negative expressions toward each other (sarcasm, criticism, put-downs, anger, etc.).

2.            The higher the ratio of positive to negative expressions, the more “warm” your emotional atmosphere is. You are warm toward each other and these positive expressions are more likely to create a climate of mutual interest and attraction. The higher the ratio of negative to positive expressions, the more “cold” your emotional atmosphere is. You are cool toward each other and these negative expressions are more likely to create a climate of disinterest or emotional distance from each other.

An angry word will pour cold water on a spouse's romantic “on” switch more quickly than you can imagine, while a meaningful apology can pave the way to a gentle invitation toward intimacy. In several ways, ill will can undermine or sabotage the fulfillment of sexual love in marriage.