3 Keys to Managing Conflict

John M. Gottman, Ph.D., a world renowned, professor of psychology and the founder and director of the Gottman Institute of Marriage, tells us that some of the best keys to managing conflict are:

No one is right, acceptance is crucial, and the importance of focusing on fondness and admiration.

No one is right.  There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones.  This is true whether the disagreement is solvable or perpetual.

While it can be hard to remember this in the middle of a conflict, it is a fact that no two people will experience or view the same situation in the same way.  

I have found that when my husband and I are finally able to calmly discuss the problem at hand that we both have great points to add to the discussion and neither one of us is as polarized as we both had assumed. 

Reminding myself of this is an important precursor to the next key of acceptance.

Acceptance is Crucial.  It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are.

I believe that most of the time ACCEPTANCE is what we are fighting for in the first place. 

Most people just want to be heard.  They want validation and they want their opinions to matter.  Feeling like my husband values what I have to say and the perspective I bring to our marriage and problems seems to help anger to dissipate. 

Focus on fondness and admiration. 

Through the course of their marriage, spouses learned to view their partner’s shortcomings and oddities as amusing parts of the whole package.  

Somehow couples such as these have learned to mellow about their partner’s faults.

It seems counterproductive that focusing on our love for one another can be key to managing conflict, but it is absolutely necessary for avoiding conflict. 

Acknowledging the weaknesses of our spouse and choosing to love them in spite of these challenges is a beautiful gift. 

I believe it is the definition of true compassion in marriage. 

When we focus on fondness and admiration, we are not so easily distracted by the irritations which will assuredly come up when two imperfect people try to build a marriage together. 

As Benjamin Franklin is famous for saying, “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards."