Can a Simple Couple Council Really Help You Avoid Costly Couple Counseling?

Formal counseling presents a wonderful opportunity to learn and to go.  It can open be a conduit to growth and a building block to healthy relationship behavior.  When only a small bit of tweaking is needed to strengthen an otherwise good relationship, the $150 price tag a session might be more costly than it is worth. 

So how could scheduling 30 short minutes a week override the benefits found in therapy?

A couple council gives each spouse the opportunity to communicate concerns at a time and place which ensures the uninterrupted attention of the other.  When I know that I will be able to discuss something important with my husband at our weekly council meeting, I am not tempted to interrupt the important ball game he is watching to fix a problem weighing on my mind in that moment. 

The idea of holding councils is not new, but quite honestly, I have resisted it. 

I hate meetings!  I find that often there are far too many of them scheduled and far too little gets accomplished as a result. 

However, after reading this week’s material, I have begun to see the value of including an informal but regular meeting into my marriage.  I have begun to understand that this will allow couples an appropriate time to have discussions about topics they might typically avoid.  It will give a couple on opportunity to discuss, define and refine goals and to make plans for the future.  It will give each spouse a regular chance to share concerns about their relationship which have cropped up in the week in a neutral environment.  It will also help establish a pattern of checking in and give the couple a regular opportunity to evaluate the health and well-being of their relationship.

When holding a couple council, here are some thoughts to consider:

The personal righteousness or good intentions of each partner will help the meeting be a success.

Be sensitive to one another's thoughts.

Never interrupt one another.  Let each person have time to share their complete thoughts.

Avoid pushing your own ideas.
Beware of any personal agendas.  Try to honestly determine from the discussion what would be best.

Remember the goal is total harmony and full agreement.

Commit yourself to the idea that whatever is said, will be heard, acknowledged and pondered by you.

While I would never discourage someone from seeking professional help when it is needed, I would encourage and invite couples to empower themselves by committing to participating in a couple council on a regular basis as a healthy relationship practice.

Weekly meetings foster direct, positive communication that addresses concerns at a time when both of you are likely to be receptive. You get to feel appreciated and valued, gain a smoother-running household by coordinating chores, and add romance by planning dates. Issues are resolved and challenges are met before they escalate into crises and grudges. Romance can continue throughout your marriage, but this usually will not happen automatically. - Marcia Naomi Berger

Charity is the Best Foreplay

While standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, I am bombarded by attention grabbing headlines and over sexualized images splashed across the covers of magazines.  These magazines often promise a quick fix to every relationship issue known to mankind but are especially concentrated on the topic of sex.  Magazines like Cosmopolitan, which is known for headlines like “139 Hot New Sex Tips You Must Learn” and “Tease Him And Please Him,” to in magazine quizzes which supposedly help you identify the type of sexual partner you need, may make us think that there is some secret to having a great sexual relationship.

In truth, the best advice for improving or strengthening sexual relations between husband and wife is hardly attention-grabbing headline material.

“Sexual fulfillment flourishes in an atmosphere of warmth and positive expressions toward each other, while such fulfillment suffers when spouses are cool or emotionally disconnected from each other due to anger or apathy.” Brotherson, S.E. (2003).

And while this charity-driven approach to sexual fulfillment will never be splashed across the top of Cosmo or any other magazine in the grocery aisle, charity is the very essence of what is needed to build a beautifully meaningful, trust-based intimate relationship.

For simply put, when we feel appreciated, loved, and respected, we are much more ready to be emotionally and physically vulnerable. 

Nothing signals love and safety quite as quickly in a relationship as a kind word and a listening ear.

The writers of magazines are busy offering us every crude and lurid headline to peak our curiosity about sex, not out of a general desire to help us, but to sell their product.  Instead of searching for answers within their pages, we should consider that God has already given us exactly what we need to learn about true love and enhance our sexual relationships.

“Marriage is the school of love, and it is certain that a committed, caring marriage relationship is absolutely the best environment to learn the intricacies of sexual expression and intimacy.”

A committed relationship between a man and a woman where love and mutual respect flourish through acts of charity is simply the best way to enrich and strengthen sexual intimacy.  Forget the spicy headlines and the quick fix tips to improve sexual fulfillment and simply start treating your spouse better. 

While the magazines may focus on the intricacies of foreplay and sexual prowess, the most effective path to good sex begins with the charitable way we treat each other. 

Still don’t believe me?  Here’s a quiz that will never make the front pages of a magazine but just might convince you of the connection between kindness and a healthy sexual relationship. 

Barometer for Emotional Distance Test

1.            For fifteen minutes, count the the number of “positive” expressions toward each other (compliments, kind words, affection, etc.) versus the number of negative expressions toward each other (sarcasm, criticism, put-downs, anger, etc.).

2.            The higher the ratio of positive to negative expressions, the more “warm” your emotional atmosphere is. You are warm toward each other and these positive expressions are more likely to create a climate of mutual interest and attraction. The higher the ratio of negative to positive expressions, the more “cold” your emotional atmosphere is. You are cool toward each other and these negative expressions are more likely to create a climate of disinterest or emotional distance from each other.

An angry word will pour cold water on a spouse's romantic “on” switch more quickly than you can imagine, while a meaningful apology can pave the way to a gentle invitation toward intimacy. In several ways, ill will can undermine or sabotage the fulfillment of sexual love in marriage.

Charity is the Secret to Marital Success…

One definition of Charity is that it is the Pure Love of Christ.  

In the Book of Mormon, the prophet Mormon expounds on this virtue when he teaches,

“Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (Moroni 7:45). 

Another wonderful place to learn more about this definition is in the New Testament.  (See 1Corinthians 13:4-7).

Every person wants this kind of pure love to exist within their marriage.

 It is a love that sees the best of each other, it focuses on the good, and encourages others to do good with cheer and confidence. 

While we easily recognize the need we have as individuals to receive this type of love, we often find it can be very difficult to bestow this type of love on others.

The first thing we must do is acknowledge how difficult this can be and then ask God for help. 

According to H. Wallace Goddard PhD., “What work[s] is to recognize our weakness and beseech God for that divine gift of charity.  Rather than tamper with our partner’s soul, we can throw ourselves on the merits, mercy and grace of Him who is mighty to save.”

“We are invited to cover (our partner’s) weaknesses with our charity.  The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners’ characters; it is in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them.”

President Joseph F. Smith offers the following counsel:

“We all have our weaknesses and failings. Sometimes the husband sees a failing in his wife, and he upbraids her with it. Sometimes the wife feels that her husband has not done just the right thing, and she upbraids him. What good does it do? Is not forgiveness better? Is not charity better? Is not love better? Isn’t it better not to speak of faults, not to magnify weaknesses by iterating and reiterating them? Isn’t that better? And will not the union that has been cemented between you and the birth of children and by the bond of the new and everlasting covenant, be more secure when you forget to mention weaknesses and faults one of another? Is it not better to drop them and say nothing about them—bury them and speak only of the good that you know and feel, one for another, and thus bury each other’s faults and not magnify them; isn’t that better?”

So how do we move forward and practice this type of charity each day?

I believe a simple way to do this is In Dr. John M.Gottman’s formula for marital success.  

He says that we must spend at least six hours a week on intentional BUILDING MOMENTS in our marriages.  

He breaks it down like this:

The Magic Six Hours

Partings- 2 minutes a working day or 10 minutes a week

Make sure you know at least one thing that is happening in your spouse’s life that day.

Reunions- 20 minutes a day or 1 hour 40 minutes each week

This includes a hug or kiss which lasts at least six seconds… something which makes it worth coming home to.

Admiration and Appreciation- 5 minutes a day or 35 minutes each week

Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection.  Say “I love you.”

Affection- 5 minutes a day or 35 minutes each week

Let go of minor irritations that have built up in the day and always lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.

Weekly Date- 2 hours each week

Just –the-two-of-you-time to ask open-ended questions which encourage you to turn toward one another.

State of the Union Meeting- 1 hour each week

A time to evaluate, but not harp on your relationship.  Try to answer the question, “What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?”

If we can follow this simple six hour plan each week, we can cultivate charity at the same time we strengthen our marriage.

3 Keys to Managing Conflict

John M. Gottman, Ph.D., a world renowned, professor of psychology and the founder and director of the Gottman Institute of Marriage, tells us that some of the best keys to managing conflict are:

No one is right, acceptance is crucial, and the importance of focusing on fondness and admiration.

No one is right.  There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones.  This is true whether the disagreement is solvable or perpetual.

While it can be hard to remember this in the middle of a conflict, it is a fact that no two people will experience or view the same situation in the same way.  

I have found that when my husband and I are finally able to calmly discuss the problem at hand that we both have great points to add to the discussion and neither one of us is as polarized as we both had assumed. 

Reminding myself of this is an important precursor to the next key of acceptance.

Acceptance is Crucial.  It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are.

I believe that most of the time ACCEPTANCE is what we are fighting for in the first place. 

Most people just want to be heard.  They want validation and they want their opinions to matter.  Feeling like my husband values what I have to say and the perspective I bring to our marriage and problems seems to help anger to dissipate. 

Focus on fondness and admiration. 

Through the course of their marriage, spouses learned to view their partner’s shortcomings and oddities as amusing parts of the whole package.  

Somehow couples such as these have learned to mellow about their partner’s faults.

It seems counterproductive that focusing on our love for one another can be key to managing conflict, but it is absolutely necessary for avoiding conflict. 

Acknowledging the weaknesses of our spouse and choosing to love them in spite of these challenges is a beautiful gift. 

I believe it is the definition of true compassion in marriage. 

When we focus on fondness and admiration, we are not so easily distracted by the irritations which will assuredly come up when two imperfect people try to build a marriage together. 

As Benjamin Franklin is famous for saying, “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards."

Irritation can be an Invitation

“Appreciating is more powerful than correcting.  Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel.  Criticism is a slow leak in those tires.” 
H. Wallace Goddard, PhD

We have all been frustrated, stressed out, overworked, and running on an empty emotional gas tank.  I find that in moments like this my level of irritation with others around me skyrockets. 

I cringe when I think of the countless times I have allowed my negative emotions to override the long standing love and care I have for my family in order to blow off the short-lived steam of annoyance and exasperation.

And while it’s uncomfortable to acknowledge that at 40, I am still working hard to get a handle on this strong tendency to be irritated by those I love so dearly.  Maybe it’s because of this ongoing battle, I can recognize the truth of the following statement by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, in his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.

“Any time we feel irritated with our spouses (or anyone else for that matter), that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an INVITATION to call ourselves to REPENT.  We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility.” (70, Goddard)

I think this hit me so hard because over the years I have come to realize that the intense frustration I feel at times is a ME problem and not an OTHERS problem.  The only person who controls my feeling and reactions are me.  When I view these moments of vexation as an opportunity for personal growth and change, I am much more likely to choose the higher law of Humility.

So What Can We Do?

Dr. Goddard suggests the following:

We CAN learn to accept humanness and flaws in our partners. 

We CAN laugh at the foibles that bedevil all of us. 

We CAN pray for mercy for ourselves and our partners. 

Because each of us desperately needs mercy, we CAN OFFER mercy to each other.

This is what I want.  I want to offer MERCY to those that I love.  I want to ACCEPT the humanness of those around me because that is what LOVE is.  In order to do this, I need to surrender the pride and expectations I have and embrace Humility in a much more personal way.