My
husband and I have been married almost twenty years. In that time, we have had plenty of
disagreements. Many of these
disagreements were directly related to our in-law relationships. Both sets of in-laws were demanding or
critical in different ways. Both
expected my husband or I to conform to set family norms. Neither of us felt appreciated by the other
family. And many times, the demands of
the extended family left my husband and I feeling caught in the middle of a
nasty game of relationship tug-of-war.
Over
the last five years, we have been able to set healthy boundaries and to
distance ourselves when needed. As a
couple, our relationship conflict was reduced significantly by how effective we
have been at making and standing by these boundaries.
As
my husband and I encourage our own children to date, we have stayed up late
talking about what kind of in-laws we want to be. Our greatest fear has been that, like us, our
children will not want to spend time with their parents when they are
grown. However, we have discovered that
there is much we can do as in-laws to encourage, build and enjoy powerful
positive relationships with our children and their future spouses.
Some
of these same ideas which have taken us twenty years to figure out ourselves
were presented in the reading from Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005).
"Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H.
Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing
our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A
Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book
Company.
Here
are some of the highlights…
New
couples can focus on establishing a new marital identity. In-law parents can encourage this by
withholding judgement and practicing acceptance and charity to the new in-law.
Sensitive
parents-in-law recognize how important it is for the new couple to establish
their own traditions and have individual time together on special occasions. Refraining from pressuring the couple to
attend all family events while still continuing to invite with grace will be
very important.
Wise
parents understand that their parental role continues in love,
concern, and encouragement,
but never in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or
imposition.
Parents
will do better to listen and not impose their opinions or
feelings. Intrusion by in-laws, both physically by too many visits and phone
calls, and emotionally by too many strongly held opinions is to be avoided at
all costs.
When
married children are treated with respect and love in this matter, they are
more likely to want to spend more time with parents and extended family.
Demands, expectations, manipulations, ultimatums, threats, and emotional
blackmailing tend to strain or destroy relationships.
When
new roles are being defined for both parents and children, it helps parents to
realize that they have to make adjustments that may not
always be comfortable.
This is normal and the discomfort may disappear with time and effort.
Parents who are secure in their relationships
with their children understand that married children can be emotionally close
without always having to be present. These children, in turn, have a sense of
their parents' own security so they don't have to always be near them to take
care of them emotionally. Parents who are secure in their relationships with
their children understand that married children can be emotionally close
without always having to be present. These children, in turn, have a sense of
their parents' own security so they don't have to always be near them to take
care of them emotionally.
